by Walt Urnative
Atrociated Press.

DETHLY, Ill. – Senator John McCain has declared victory in the Democratic Primary. He expressed eagerness to lead and unite the country behind democrat ideals. McCain commented, “There are two kinds of people in our country: those who divide people into two groups, and those who do not – and we will separate ourselves from those divisive people.” He then led a chant saying “agree with me for unity,” which rang throughout the massive crowd of democrat supporters.

Barack Obama was not sour about the loss and commended McCain for his victory. “The whole country needs to get behind him,” Obama said. “Too many people are quick to judge him by his ideas or his record. This is not a time to question our leaders – we should avoid senseless bickering and take politicians at their word.”

Voter reaction is very positive. Harmony Withdems, an Illinois resident, commented “it's so great to have an effective leader. McCain represents a coming together of our party to defeat conservatives, an objective which we can all agree on.”

In the coming months, McCain plans to reach out to the right by using conservative buzzwords but meaning different things. For example, the term “smaller government,” will mean “smaller conservative influence in government.” He also plans to “level anyone who dares to criticize me. Did you know I'm a war hero, by the way?” The Atrociated Press is researching news archives round the clock to verify that claim.