Dead McCain More Electable

by Walt Urnative
Atrociated Press.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Republican presidential forerunner John McCain is adopting a new strategy to appeal to conservatives: playing dead. Polling data shows republicans would be twice as likely to vote for McCain in November if he was dead, and five times more likely if dead and running against a live Hillary.

“John McCain needs a way to reach out to conservatives in the coming months, and this may be it,” said political analyst Frank Leedull. “Not being Hillary is one of his strengths, but it's not enough for people who actually adhere to conservatism. If they're going to have a liberal in office they want it to be an ineffective one, and you can't get any more ineffective than being dead.”

A postmortem McCain would not be the first corpse to be elected to public office. In November of 2000, the departed Mel Carnahan beat rival John Ashcroft for the senate seat in Missouri. “Death exponentially increases popularity,” said historian May Dupnaim. “John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Emily Dickinson. They all died, and it was the best career move they could ever make.”

McCain tried his lifeless strategy at the Conservative Political Action Conference yesterday. He was well received, but some voiced doubts as to whether the presidential candidate was really dead. “Of course I'm dead!” McCain screamed while spewing saliva at a participant of the conference. “Didn't you ever see Weekend at Bernie's, you stupid fool?” The Senator regained his composure for a moment and calmly added, “I mean – I appreciate your passion. And I'm actually brain dead at the moment. No – in a coma. But I'll be dead within hours, I assure you.” He then clutched his heart, fainted, and was loaded into a box and carried out by six assistants.

McCain campaign spokesman P. Arrman is “very confident that John McCain can fool the conservative base into voting for him. We have a few tricks up our sleeves,” he chuckled. “Those stubborn idealists will eventually realize that we all need to come together for the common goal of ignoring our beliefs. And did I mention he's a war hero?”

by Walt Urnative
Atrociated Press.

DETHLY, Ill. – Senator John McCain has declared victory in the Democratic Primary. He expressed eagerness to lead and unite the country behind democrat ideals. McCain commented, “There are two kinds of people in our country: those who divide people into two groups, and those who do not – and we will separate ourselves from those divisive people.” He then led a chant saying “agree with me for unity,” which rang throughout the massive crowd of democrat supporters.

Barack Obama was not sour about the loss and commended McCain for his victory. “The whole country needs to get behind him,” Obama said. “Too many people are quick to judge him by his ideas or his record. This is not a time to question our leaders – we should avoid senseless bickering and take politicians at their word.”

Voter reaction is very positive. Harmony Withdems, an Illinois resident, commented “it's so great to have an effective leader. McCain represents a coming together of our party to defeat conservatives, an objective which we can all agree on.”

In the coming months, McCain plans to reach out to the right by using conservative buzzwords but meaning different things. For example, the term “smaller government,” will mean “smaller conservative influence in government.” He also plans to “level anyone who dares to criticize me. Did you know I'm a war hero, by the way?” The Atrociated Press is researching news archives round the clock to verify that claim.

Hardly Safer Than Hillary's

by Walt Urnative
Atrociated Press.

VERILY PLAINS, Md. – The Surgeon General announced that a new warning will be printed on an increasingly popular brand of cigarettes. The decision was a reaction to the growing notion that McCain Lights are a safer choice than full-flavored Hillary's.

“Don't kid yourself,” Surgeon General Harold Prudence advised. “While it is true that McCain Lights are somewhat less dangerous, they are still destructive and not good for your future. The difference between them is a marketing gimmick. Almost all the ingredients in Hillary's are present in McCain's. Essentially McCain's are a slightly diluted repackaging of Hillary's – and neither provide a net benefit to the consumer.”

The public was urged to make the right decision, regardless of peer pressure, a major force in the smoker market. The new label is hoped to reach buyers before they decide unwisely. Both brands are unified since they are subdivisions of the Democrat Tobacco Company, but in the Surgeon General's words: “there is no safe democrat.”