FORT MIRTH, Tex. - Presidential hopeful Ron Paul vows to win the republican nomination, even as he trails front-runner John McCain, who has a 60:1 delegate lead. Political analysts are calling it a “mathematical impossibility,” but Paul is confident he will secure the nomination.

Before a crowd of supporters, he announced his new strategy to focus not on advertising, but on changing history. “Do not give up hope,” Congressman Paul said. “With time on our side, your money will go further – and the message will no longer be suppressed. Together we have raised millions – and it will not go to waste, for I am now developing a time machine.

“Please continue your financial support. It will help so much. For example, if you raise three million and I travel back two years, we can add that to the six million you already gave. That equals nine million - and factoring two years of inflation - nine million one hundred eighty thousand! Plus, I can campaign with my past self and there will be two Ron Pauls and just one John McCain. If that doesn't work, I'll travel back again so there are three of me and even more financial support.”

“I knew it!” said supporter Paul Estinian. “Ron Paul is just waiting to make his move. There was never a doubt in my mind that he would be the next president, but even I had no idea he was this smart. And while he's back there I hope he can prevent the writer's strike. I miss 24! But even without a time machine, he would win the nomination if it wasn't for the government conspiracy that suppresses the truth. Maybe Jack Bauer can get to the bottom of this. He's got plenty of time, since they postponed this season of 24 and all.”

Jack Bauer was unavailable for comment.

Get the latest conservative satire at home, on the road, or while hiding in a dumpster behind Starbucks at www.conservatire.com.