By Walt Urnative
Atrociated Press: your unbiased news source.

WISHENWONHAND, N.Y. - Today, New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer threw out all criminal cases, or “cases regarding the lawfully challenged,” as he described them, and thousands of inmates were set free as part of his new Lawkeeping Plan.

Spitzer stated, “It is a historic day. The state has struck an agreement with thieves, murderers, and sex offenders. They were given the option of freedom on the condition they pledged to stop committing crimes. I was pleased to see that every single one of them was eager to work for the greater good and signed the pledge.

“We already have great laws against crime. Instead of the harsh method of enforcing the law, we just need everyone to agree to follow the law. I thought it was important to expand this program beyond the inmates we released, so every New York State resident is going to receive a contract in the mail to end crime. As soon as we get a signed copy from the majority of citizens, we'll have a pact that paves the way to a crime-free utopia. Fines and sentences will be a thing of the past and we'll save a bundle on law enforcement costs.

“If that doesn't work, we'll work hard to negotiate another cease-crime agreement. If that doesn't work, we'll work hard to negotiate another cease-crime agreement. If that doesn't work – well you get the idea - but the inmates seemed very committed to upholding their end of the deal, so I don't think that will be an issue.”

The governor also explained a system to “track” the former felons including a form to keep a record of all future crimes. The form is to be mailed out monthly so the state can oversee the crimes and - if necessary - mail out a letter of warning - or in extreme cases - send out a representative to give the lawbreaker a “stern talking to.”

Dee Seaver, spokeswoman for Criminals Who Sign Pieces of Paper So Gullible People Let Their Guard Down, or CWSPPSGPLTGD for short, offered this statement: “We are very excited about this plan. And we certainly aren't going to do anything illegal. Don't worry if you see us pointing a gun at you or killing your family. That's just - um - the way we greet people in prison culture. Our customs might seem different to you, but if you think they are wrong or weird, it's just because you're an evil minority oppressing bigot.”

From now on, police officers will lead by example by remaining peaceful and nonviolent, even if attacked by violators of the agreement. “What kind of message does it send if our own civil servants add to the violence?” inquired New York State Police Superintendent Abe Peezer. “If we lead by example, conscienceless psychopaths will surely stop being mean and evil. The honor system is the best system. Criminals need to know we believe in them. So we had them sign a piece of paper, promising to be good and obey our laws. It's foolproof! A crimeless society is in sight! This is a great day for the State of New York.”

“Who am I to judge?” commented Justice Justin Theory. “Punishments only provoke offenders to commit more crimes. Besides, when we retaliate against the lawfully challenged, we become just like them. In a civilized society, we should be above incarcerating our own citizens against their will. In my experience, people seemed pretty bummed out when I sentenced them to hard time. Further, the war on crime punishes innocent civilians with traffic stops, jury summons, and other collateral inconveniences. By not passing judgement, pressing charges, or enforcing the law we set the stage for a crime-free society. Imagine all the people... living life in peace. Goo goo ka joob, dude.”

The governor plans to divert law enforcement personnel to education, coloring of beautiful “stop the violence” posters, and “I'm sorry my great great great grandfather oppressed your great great great grandfather” campaigns. Some think the state's new strategy is the start of an era of understanding that stops crime at its roots, focusing resources on the war on poverty. After all, nothing curbs poverty like more government spending.