by Walt Urnative
Atrociated Press.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Republican presidential forerunner John McCain is adopting a new strategy to appeal to conservatives: playing dead. Polling data shows republicans would be twice as likely to vote for McCain in November if he was dead, and five times more likely if dead and running against a live Hillary.

“John McCain needs a way to reach out to conservatives in the coming months, and this may be it,” said political analyst Frank Leedull. “Not being Hillary is one of his strengths, but it's not enough for people who actually adhere to conservatism. If they're going to have a liberal in office they want it to be an ineffective one, and you can't get any more ineffective than being dead.”

A postmortem McCain would not be the first corpse to be elected to public office. In November of 2000, the departed Mel Carnahan beat rival John Ashcroft for the senate seat in Missouri. “Death exponentially increases popularity,” said historian May Dupnaim. “John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Emily Dickinson. They all died, and it was the best career move they could ever make.”

McCain tried his lifeless strategy at the Conservative Political Action Conference yesterday. He was well received, but some voiced doubts as to whether the presidential candidate was really dead. “Of course I'm dead!” McCain screamed while spewing saliva at a participant of the conference. “Didn't you ever see Weekend at Bernie's, you stupid fool?” The Senator regained his composure for a moment and calmly added, “I mean – I appreciate your passion. And I'm actually brain dead at the moment. No – in a coma. But I'll be dead within hours, I assure you.” He then clutched his heart, fainted, and was loaded into a box and carried out by six assistants.

McCain campaign spokesman P. Arrman is “very confident that John McCain can fool the conservative base into voting for him. We have a few tricks up our sleeves,” he chuckled. “Those stubborn idealists will eventually realize that we all need to come together for the common goal of ignoring our beliefs. And did I mention he's a war hero?”