Hardly Safer Than Hillary's

by Walt Urnative
Atrociated Press.

VERILY PLAINS, Md. – The Surgeon General announced that a new warning will be printed on an increasingly popular brand of cigarettes. The decision was a reaction to the growing notion that McCain Lights are a safer choice than full-flavored Hillary's.

“Don't kid yourself,” Surgeon General Harold Prudence advised. “While it is true that McCain Lights are somewhat less dangerous, they are still destructive and not good for your future. The difference between them is a marketing gimmick. Almost all the ingredients in Hillary's are present in McCain's. Essentially McCain's are a slightly diluted repackaging of Hillary's – and neither provide a net benefit to the consumer.”

The public was urged to make the right decision, regardless of peer pressure, a major force in the smoker market. The new label is hoped to reach buyers before they decide unwisely. Both brands are unified since they are subdivisions of the Democrat Tobacco Company, but in the Surgeon General's words: “there is no safe democrat.”